Three Months In - Introspection Time

TW: Friends, my posts in this employment era are likely bleak and depressing for some time. Do stop reading if you think this energy is going to affect you ya. I'm only using this space to process my experiences, and organise some thoughts and feelings for myself --- think of me talking to a soft toy ok! The last thing I want is to spread any form of negativity or make y'all feel worried. Trust me, I am currently trying to do my best to manage and navigate life

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"Do you miss school?" 

"No, but I'm missing a less-employed life"

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Three months in, yet it feels as though I've only started yesterday. Not going to mask my official working life with any rainbow or butterfly; it's challenging, emotionally, mentally, mentally, physically, creatively, and spiritually. I believe my greatest struggle rn is in establishing my teacher identity. I never knew a mismatch of teaching practices and working styles could be so suffocating. Of course, I went in with a whole set of ideals; and with high expectations comes high disappointment. (weeeeeee)

On the topic of an identity crisis, it kinda reminds me of Erikson's autonomy VS shame & doubt. Like my toddlers, we are theoretically navigating the same internal conflict - just in different contexts. Here are some bits of my identity I managed to unravel over the past three months:

  • My free-spirited & rebellious inner child has been in the grief cycle for the longest time - wrestling with micro-management, questioning norms, sulking at red tapes, and rolling eyes at top-down rules, feeling like a hypocrite 
  • I take people too literally - I am still trying to remember that people might not always mean what they say/do --- all the world's a stage. While my sister says I have too much trust & faith in humanity, I would wanna think that it's also because I've been blessed with too many genuine people who are able and willing to exchange vulnerabilities and keep communications open. These are people with big hearts for others --- or are they merely acting their roles? OK, watch me rise from this abyss with newly developed trust issues)
  • I like to work with, not under people. I value autonomy a lot and I crave the opportunity to try out my ideas --- even if people think they are doomed to fail. At least let me try it right? This probably contributed to a sense of disdain towards how my workplace controls its resources, making it inefficient for me to do what I want efficiently. (Funny allusion but it makes me feel disempowered & like a refugee)

The thought of being trapped here for the next 4 years is unsettling. People have been telling me how time seems to fly when I start working - I think I feel it already, but it is also kinda scary because '4 years' seems like a long time & a huge part of my youth. I am scared of a tired heart. I am scared that I would lose myself in the process. I do not want to compromise the quality of care & education for the young beings I'm responsible for when the circumstance is compromising enough. 

Writing this at 0125 when there is still work tmr, let me see how I can save this as a draft to come back to work on it.

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I came across this song Remember the Summer and it reminds me of my current phase of life: 

Lately I wanna stay awake

I don't want the days to end

I do dread the start of the next working day - I sincerely appreciate mid-week breaks and the phrase 'TGIF'.


I don't want you to get lost

Will we ever meet again?

Will I reconnect with my ideals amidst the chaos?


Come the sun (sun)

Come the rain

And the leaves falling

I will wait even if the seasons change

Anxiety runs through my veins

I'll escape from all these chains

Say "come back", in all the possible ways 

While I will never know how much I will change by the end of 4 years, I am here to remind myself to

  • Never stop dreaming
  • Continue to polish my critical lenses to challenge "norms" & seek rationales
  • Act in the best interests of children and families I serve
  • Remember my sense of trust for humanity
The mantra: First survive, next build relationships, last deliver quality education 

On a lighter note: If I decide to move on after my bond ends, I want to remember to cancel my union membership card 3 months prior to Aug 2027 (TO AVOID ADDITIONAL CHARGES) :)

WATCH ME stay strong and brave throughout my time here! 

Ok the next post could probably be another depressing piece but I shall end my day here at 0152 ! :)