Open-door Policy

Not sure if this reflection came too early but here's a quick reflection about the past 3 days of navigating the vast ocean before I go to bed (aka end my day) because I tried to process some big feelings with Cai Wei who is also in the industry. I'm so grateful to her wisdom, through this convo I emerged more hopeful and assured and ready to slay and eat and leave no crumbs.

Ok, maybe not the eating part cuz my appetite has been bipolar the last 3 days and I think it's highly likely gonna swing to the 'lack of appetite' pole. On the first day, I felt super hungry and I had to infiltrate the pantry for more food. This was like me eating more as a practicum student at LSH where I always scoop a full lunch box + snacks. And then on day 2 it dawned on me that I have to do a lot of work as an official teacher and that I am accountable for the interests of 24 lives. The sample size of 2 days might not be representative but indeed concerning; I lost more and more appetite during lunch progressively HAHAHELPHAHA >>>Now I know why one of my teachers in my previous centre practised eating first before discussing work (instead of doing both at the same time).  

That's where I realised spinal health is not the only concern - it is also mental health and gut health (and when I shared this with my sis, she said I have to watch my liver too :x)

I shared my big feelings with Cai Wei and Im so grateful for her as she helped me process it tgt TT.TT I know i skipped my year 3 practicum life on this blog but 4 years and #fragileHeartStill ;__; 

Probably not going to share about worklife in detail with any more people because I personally find it tiring to harp on things / rant the same full story to different people - I'm afraid that I would spiral - It is more meaningful to acknowledge the past and focus on the present and future - seeking possibilities and getting accountable. Or, maybe I am just afraid to trigger them big feelings? :D 

To give an overview it's generally about managing my own expectations about centre practices, people, and my feelings of overwhelm & disappointment & helplessness as someone who has been moulded to commit to "best practices" - assuming all of these traits as my teacher identity. As Cai Wei has identified, I came into ECE as a blank slate, and SUSS has ingrained in me all the research-backed "best practices" and pedagogies that I've been holding on to for a long time. I've seen it practised and working in other centres and that makes me really motivated to honor them. My main concern - I was (and am still) incredibly afraid of "losing it" - losing the critical lens or the motivation to uphold and advocate for my ideals to blend into a culture and system that I do not align to, and compromising the children's experiences in the process. This is going to be a new identity to navigate and find myself in. 

Nugget of wisdom from CW: To find a balance as it would be challenging to do everything on my own! First, I get the class and day going and as I settle down, I can slowly introduce the practices that I want. 

(Im thinking of this like building a tower of cards or a sand castle - to have a functional base for myself and the children with whatever resources I can gather - first survive - all of us). 

Nugget #2: Some teachers may not buy in at the start but sometimes they are fearful that things might not work, so if I am able to do it and "prove" to them that it works, then they are more likely to follow and support. 

(Be mindful that my colleagues are human with their own intentions and priorities and interests too, and convince them through my commitment.)

Nugget #3: I shared with cw that one of my leaders shared she has an "open-door policy" for communication, and cw brought up a different POV to the phrase, which is really assuring: "the open-door is the school door - so feel free to quit any time" :D That reminds me of the freedom that is waiting for me after my 4-year bond :) (though again, I wouldn't know how different I would be or whether my priorities will be different when the time comes #dUh) But this thinking is funny (yet true) it makes me feel in control of my life again :)

Nugget #4: If there are practices that are not right, we can try talking to the management to share our rationale and also seek to understand theirs & find out why they say that. With parents, when I present myself professionally, they are more likely to listen to you and try out strategies (this will take time to build relationship first) but sometimes they also no time 

Im gonna keep these nuggets with me, to survive and thrive and flourish in this murky water. Hopeful that some sediment is going to settle too.

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Here's looking for an active lifestyle at a subsidised rate (to upkeep my physical health), and ways to keep this fragile heart strong and my sanity intact.